The Most Swingingest Brothel In Pompeii

This blog entry about the events of Friday, June 22, 2007 was originally posted on July 07, 2007.

PART 4: The Isle of Capri was the last place that we’d set in stone in our pre-departure planning, and the unknown, spontaneous part of our trip was upon us.  “Can we go to Pompeii?” Steph asked me.

“I was actually going to ask you that.”  Pompeii, another place neither of us had visited before, was only a couple hours away by car — fortunately, we had one.

Leaving the traffic melée that is Napoli, we head out of the city at night, right after our lovely pizza in the piazza.  We drove through Napoli’s sprawling industrial suburbs, the kind place you wouldn’t think to send a postcard from.  “This makes Fondi look like Niagara-On-The-Lake,” Steph said. 

I followed the street signs that weaved me in and around buildings through dark, questionable narrow roads and tunnels.  “How can this be the thoroughfare?” I wondered.  It was getting late as we aimlessly looked for a place to crash for the night en route to Pompeii, although with no exact place to be, neither of us had anything to stress over like our time driving into Napoli.  We kept our spirits up with our Harry Belafonte sing-along and sure enough, as we had hoped, the gritty-looking suburbs eventually led to the coast and the small beach town of Torre del Greco.  It was close to eleven when we stumbled into the only hotel we’d seen around, the decent three-star Holiday Hotel, next to an international catering hall and a small but lovely beach and promenade across the street that was revealed to us the next morning. 

“If our spontaneous trip continues to go like this, we’ll have a good time,” Steph said, admiring our ability to find decent hotels on the fly.

“It’s like the continuation of our fake honeymoon,” I said.

The only problem with our room was partially our fault; since we were only crashing late at night and leaving early the next morning, we opted not to have air conditioning — we figured there’d be a nice ocean breeze coming in — however, the room contained the hottest, most stagnant air imaginable.  “I’m hot, Tom Cruise,” we said, quoting “Planet Unicorn.”  Steph woke up in the middle of the night, only to find me lying completely perpendicular to her on the foot of the bed; in my sleep, I had probably tried to align myself with the open window to milk any sort of breeze coming in.

After breakfast and a quick stroll on the beach amongst the fishermen, a lone scuba diver, and a Jersey Shore-esque amusement park, we drove down the coast, passing more “carabiner store” signs while following the ones pointing towards Pompeii.  A parking lot tout tried to sway us into his plot, but we ignored him, parking at the nearby campground that allowed us to park for free if we just ate food in their restaurant. 

POMPEII IS A PLACE everyone has heard about from the history books, the famous city that was wiped away from the sudden eruption of nearby Mount Vesuvius in the August of 79 A.D.  The remains of the city were discovered in 1748, spawning centuries of archaeological excavations, and is now a UNESCO World Heritage Site — and therefore a huge tourism draw.

Avoiding the Italian tour guides arguing with each other, Steph and I opted for the audio guides, with musical interludes at the beginning of each section — we often skipped and danced along to it.  One riff sounded very Japanese.  “Welcome to feudal Japan,” I’d say in my movie trailer voice. 

Each audio segment was actually voiced by people with British accents, explaining things like “The Basilica was the house of the king…”

“Really, I thought it was the house of basil,” I wisecracked.

We followed a map for the short two-hour suggested highlights tour.  Each area led us to ruins, gardens, ruins, a statue, ruins, frescoes, ruins, and more ruins.  The audio tour started getting as repetitive as the ruins before us.  Steph summed it up:  “Basically there was a city and then there was an earthquake, and then they rebuilt the city in brick.  And then there was a second earthquake and then Vesuvius erupted and wiped it away.  Basically it’s been a city in constant destruction.”

Apparently, we weren’t the only ones getting “ruined out” by the repetitive sights; at the on-site cafe I overheard two American voices:  “What should we see next?”

“I don’t know.  I think we’ve seen enough.”

However, there were some items that did stand out from the norm, one being the figures of people trapped in the Vesuvius eruption, preserved in plaster and ash — you could see and feel the drama in their pose and in their facial expressions.  The other item that came to significance to us was something on the map labeled “Lupanare” — a word we did not yet know the meaning of.

“I wrote a song about it,” I joked, clueless to its definition, before singing “Lupanare” to the tune of the loungey rendition of “Volare” by Dean Martin.

“Lupan-arey… Whoa-oh… Lupan-arey… Whoa-oh-oh-ohhh…..”

“I’m so glad you went the designer route instead of the composer one,” Steph said, rolling her eyes (again) — I’d told her how my high school career assessment analysis told me to be a designer or composer.

“I’m so glad you went your route and you’re not a cop,” I rebutted, citing her high school career assessment.

“Come on, Lupey.  Let’s go.”

Walking down the lane of dust towards the Lupanare, we were surprised to find a huge crowd outside.  “Looks like a happenin’ place,” I said.  We prompted our audio guides in sync to find out more.  Steph’s eyes lit up.  “Oh!  ‘Lupe’ is prostitute!  The lupanare was the brothel of Pompeii!”  Steph was excited; not only did she did a college thesis on the courtesans (the high class prostitutes of Venice) but did another involving prostitutes in Las Vegas. 

The Lupanare was full of multiple tour groups, many with packs of teenage boys gawking at the frescoes on the walls depicting sexual positions like in the Kama Sutra (picture above).  Steph posed as one of Pompeii’s former women of desire, much to my joy.  I was so inspired by the Lupanare, I decided to do an impromptu solo concert in the grand amphitheatre of Pompeii (coincidentally the next stop on our audio tour), for Steph and two other older couples that just happened to be sitting nearby.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to sing a song for you,” I announced on stage, using my audio guide device for my fake microphone.  “And it’s about the most swingingest brothel in all of Pompeii.  I call it… the Lupanare.  And it goes something like this…”

I started snapping my fingers to the rhythm as I sang the first couple of lines:

“Lupan-arey… Whoa-oh… Lupan-arey… Whoa-oh-oh-ohhh…..”

Ironically enough, in the nearby small amphitheatre, another tourist sang a song — a different kind of song — after being egged on by her friend holding a video camera.  “Sing it here because you sang it in Greece!”

The first woman stood in the amphitheatre, gained her composure, did the sign of the cross and sang (with all the accompanying Christian hand gestures):

“Our God… is an awesome God, he reigns… from heaven above…”

Steph and I laughed.  “Now that is the exact opposite of the song I sang,” I said.

With those two polar songs sung, there was no way to top our Pompeii experience and so we left.  We returned our audio guides, got some orange slushees and lunch before heading on out on the open road again, leaving another worldly destination behind us.  Pompeii’s ruins would continue to be a draw for thousands of tourists a year, whether people found them tiresome or not — but I say, it’s not so bad, for a little song can liven any place up.






Next entry: No Particular Place To Go

Previous entry: The Fake Honeymooners




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This blog post is one of twelve travel dispatches from the trip blog, "The Global Trip: Two in The Boot and Beyond," which chronicled a romantic getaway through Italy, plus jaunts to Croatia, Switzerland, and London.

Next entry:
No Particular Place To Go

Previous entry:
The Fake Honeymooners



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